Lesson Learned

I put myself in a horrible situation about 4 or 5 years ago and God kept me there until today. At first I didn't understand it. I asked "why me" continuously and even thought God had forsaken me. But now I get it. It was His plan to make me stronger, wiser, and to have endless faith no matter the circumstance. I'm so happy to be free from this burden and now it's time to rebuild.

Leave the past, in the past

The hardest thing about being in a new relationship is being in a new relationship. It's so difficult to let your past insecurities go when you've been wronged so many times before, but I'm here to tell you if you want it to work you better get over it and quick. Don't let your past dictate your future, enter in with a clear mind and open heart. Learn from your past relationship mistakes and don't ignore blatant signs; after all: fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me. Good luck to all those newly in love oh and newly in like too.

Year in a review/ 2011 changes

OMG! Where did 2010 go? This was definitely a better year than 2009 but as I reflect on this past year, I'm thankful for all the "lows" I've experienced because my situations have taught me patience, in all things have faith, and to continue to believe in hope.

As I move into this new year and with all the talk of resolutions, I thought about all the things in my life I would like to change. I haven't been one for New Years resolutions because I believe you can make a change anytime, regardless of the date, but I have to admit, it's kind of nice to start with a clean slate on 1/1/11.

So here is my looooong list of Lifetime Changes (I think I like that better than New Years Resolution)

1. To have a REAL, personal relationship with Jesus Christ

This is very shameful for me to admit but I've been struggling with my spiritual life. I plan to devote my time to really reading and understanding the scripture and having daily communion with Him. I believe Jesus is coming again soon and I want to be ready for His return.

2. To live a healthy lifestyle when it comes to my diet and exercise

It's no secret that my biggest insecurity is my weight. I'm always either on a diet, just finished a diet or about to start one. I'm so tired of living like that and now is the time I make a lifestyle change and make exercise a part of my daily routine.

3. To achieve a more stable financial situation

I've been blessed with a career where I'm able to support myself and afford some small luxuries but this is the time I need to be more responsible and actually start REALLY saving money. I (thankfully) don't have any credit card debit and I live at home so paying down on my student loans, car note and putting something away for later on in life needs to be my priority.

4. To further my education

Even though I'm proud of my accomplishments, to this day I still beat myself up about not doing nursing the first time around. I feel I should of had a Masters by now but I can't live in the past so I plan to apply to one graduate program this year and see what happens.

5. To be a better nurse

Just because nursing school is over doesn't mean you have to stop learning. I want to make it a habit to review things I once learned because I'm sure it will make even more sense now that I'm practicing. I want to better my techniques and become even more proficient with cardiac rhythms.

6. I no longer want my emotions to dictate my actions

I've been working on this since last year and there has been great improvement already but I can do better.

7. I want to be less selfish and share more

I have no problem giving but I hate sharing what's mine. It's such a bad trait and I've been blessed to have many people share with me throughout my life that I definitely need to do better in that area.

8. Don't have an opinion where you don't have responsibility.

I read this quote on my cousin's husband's facebook page a few weeks ago. How often have you listened to a friends situation and unknowingly judged him/her? Perhaps even discussed it with another friend or your significant other, stating what you would have done differently, questioning the reasons for their actions, and even looking down at them for their misfortunes. That is not being a real friend and being a good friend is what I strive for. I have a very small circle and treasure all those that are apart of it.

9. To be a better blogger

This blog has been such a major outlet for me since I started last year but often it gets put on the back burner, sometimes because of a crazy work schedule, sometimes out of laziness. I spent 6 days in DC with my boyfriend, had Christmas dinner my MD family and later on with his, ate at a fabolous restaurant, went to the movies, etc and I didn't make one entry or take one picture. I should be ashamed of myself... I don't even deserve to be called a blogger...lol. But for 2011 I plan to do better.

PS- If you're reading this and not a follower, go to the right side of the screen and click follow please :-)

What are some of your changes for the New Year?

I can fly

All my close friends know what a thrill seeker I am. There is no roller coaster fast enough or any free fall high enough (I ain't never scared) so when my little cousin Derek started skydiving last year, I just knew I would have to join him one day. We've been trying since the season started but with my work schedule and weather conditions we weren't able to go until today!

I met up with him at his house in Elmont and we made our way to Suffolk county. All the way there I was waiting for my nerves to kick in and they never did. I thought maybe once I saw the plane but still nothing. I thought for sure when I got in my harness, ummm no I was wrong. Once up in the air my instructor started going over the instructions again and then my mind began to race... suppose I forgot what to do, suppose the parachute didn't open. I didn't get to think that much because next thing I know, my cousin who no longer jumps tandem (he's serious about this skydiving thing) saw the green light and was out. Then right after him two other student jumpers leaped out then it was my turn!!

Oh no! Well those nerves you know I was waiting on well they suddenly appeared. While I was at the door of the plane and my instructor was rocking me back and forth, saying "Ready" I thought what the hell am I doing? "Set" I wondered if it was too late to change my mind... "Go" I couldn't even complete my thought because I was now soaring 13,500 feet in the air (with obscenities flying out of my mouth) and it was the most exhilarating experience of my life! I felt so free, so alive, and unexpectedly, very happy. It was like nothing else mattered and I was at peace...even if it was only for a moment. I was able to take in my entire surroundings and enjoy the beautiful work of my Creator. I'm a control freak that needs to be in charge most times but it was kind of nice being helpless and relinquishing that power to someone else for a change.

I'm so happy I got to skydive today, not only because it gave me a chance to bond with my cousin over something he's so passionate about but I'm also now reassured that I have what it takes to do anything I want. If I can jump out of a perfectly good airplane (as my older brother said) what is there that I can't or won't do.

Before take off

You gotta get, that, dirt off your shoulder

So I logged on tonight with the intention of complaining about my horrible two days on my new floor with Robo/Nazi nurses who made me feel incompetent. Instead, I'm going to leave work where it should be left, at work. I have a life outside of the hospital and I can't let it consume my thoughts. Besides I'm not on again until Saturday so in the mean time imma brush my shoulders off

Just one of those days...

Today was one of those days that makes being a nurse very difficult. A patient in her late 60's (who didn't look a day over 50) was transferred to the ICU from the floor. She previously was able to speak, walk, talk; basically care for herself but she took a turn for the worst. She has 9 children and 40 grandchildren. My heart ached as I saw some of the grandchildren surrounding their grandmother, eyes red from crying, whispering and pleading with her to pull through. Their parents at their side trying to be strong for their children's sake yet mourning the eminent death of their mother. As I sat at the nurses station, I felt helpless not being able to do anything to change their loved ones condition. All I could do was offer a sympathetic smile when I made eye contact and help perform care to keep her as comfortable as possible. I prayed silently for the patient, her family, and the clock to turn hit 7:30 because I didn't want to be there when she coded.

One thing I learned today and I want everyone to remember is we shouldn't take life or each other for granted because it can be taken from us in a blink of the eye. Don't wait until it's too late to tell someone how much you love, appreciate and care for them because if you do, you might regret it later.

30 isn't the end after all

My old housemate Carline turned 30 today and I helped celebrate her birthday last night at the Chateau Briand. On my way there, I thought to myself 30 is only 3 1/2 years away and I'm definitely not where I thought I would be in life. I ran all the shoulda, coulda, woulda's through my head, the different choices I would make if I had a second chance, and where I went wrong along the way.

As I arrived at the venue and I saw my friend looking extremely happy, very sexy (loved her red dress), confident, and thankful; it made me think of the trials, stress and unpleasant times we both experienced during the time we've known each other but look where we are now.

Carline has so much to be thankful for. Friends and family that love her, a new career, a man she adores (and visa versa) and so much more. I now know 30 is not the end but actually the beginning. All the adversity faced and horrible decisions made in your twenties are life lessons to bring you to a successful rest of your life and I hope to enter it with style, grace, charisma, beauty, and charm as my girl Carline did last night.

My first time

Here goes another confession: I've never shoveled snow before, EVER. I just didn't think it was something a girl did. At work yesterday my co-worker Vincy said when she got home she was going to help her parents shovel... and it was her birthday!! I looked at her like she was crazy and shook my head. When I got home and parked my car, I saw my younger neighbor Khali cleaning her stairs after she already finished the front of her house. It made me question why I felt I was so special, so spoiled that I couldn't even help shovel snow. So I decided that tomorrow morning would be my first time.

I told my father that I would help him shovel snow in the morning but he wasn't trying to hear it. He said why should I do it when that's what he's here for. I asked, "what happens when I move out, are you going to dig out my car then too". He couldn't help but chuckle and say, "your man will take care of that".

So this morning, after breakfast, I put on tights under my jeans (I use to do that in HS to look thick...lol), pulled on my sweatshirt and Uggs and headed outside to the backyard to shovel snow with my daddy. When he first handed me the shovel, he watched my every move and told me continuously, "Don't pick up too much snow, it's too heavy for you, let me get that area", yada, yada, yada but he became more comfortable when he saw I could handle myself.

I learned quite a few things last night into this morning:

• My dad spoils me because I'm his one and only daughter and he loves me. He'll do anything and everything for and to protect me. I know what a good man is because of him and I know what to look for in a man because of his example.
• In order to be the independent woman I claim to be, I have to be able to do certain things on my own and not depend on others.
• My parents have done and sacrificed so much for me and I shouldn't take it lightly. I need to help them out and do all that I can to show my appreciation.

I WILL NOT LOSE...

I normally love a good challenge; it keeps things in life interesting. I’m not a quitter and it feels good being victorious, but there comes a time when you have to know when to throw in the towel. This week I questioned how far I would go to “win” especially when feelings and pride are involved. I realized I already went further than I should; been disappointed way too many times,my feelings always discounted and my kindness overlooked. I already lost and I didn’t even know it. But I have embarked on a new challenge, the courage to walk away and this time like the homie Hov, I WILL NOT LOSE.